


Tainted Memory

by blveboy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Depression, Gay Keith (Voltron), Loneliness, M/M, Other, Pain, Please don't leave me, Sad Keith (Voltron), This story is a bit of a mess, Trust Issues, a vent writing, angst with bits of fluff, let me cope with my heartache please
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-19 04:57:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14867036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blveboy/pseuds/blveboy
Summary: tainttānt/verbpast tense: tainted; past participle: taintedcontaminate or pollute (something).How easy would it be to just let everything go? To rid yourself of every emotion, or any guilt. How easy it would be to just press the restart button. I wish I never would've met you. I wish I could erase you for good. All you did was leave me with a tainted memory of what I thought was supposed to be happiness.





	Tainted Memory

You ever feel like the world around you is collapsing? Like, on moment you're feeling fine, and the next it's like a rug being tugged from underneath? Because the way I'm feeling right now is shitty ㅡ scratch that, its beyond shitty. It's like I'm being stabbed a billion times but I cant see the person killing me slowly. It's like there's this burning in my throat because a part of me wants to cry, and the other doesn't know what it wants to do. The familiar feeling of urge is coursing through me like a wildfire, the tips of my fingers are burning as I think about clawing at my skin.

It's only 1:21 am. I probably should've laid my head down and tried to seek some sleep, but that'd be pointless. All I'd be doing to seeing darkness, not that I'm not already. The lights in my small room are off and the fan is on to keep the room cool. These four walls are suffocating me if I'm honest. I hate this shadow that's locked itself to me. Its latched onto my life force and drains me whenever it wants to; and its nights like these that I wish I could get up and walk outside to breathe in the fresh air. It's been raining a lot, which makes me a little happier. Rain always smelt sweet here.

My chest is hurting. I can feel the void from where my heart is supposed to beat. That's long gone though, isnt it? He took it with him didnt he? Probably would explain the aching I feel whenever I see something that reminds me of him. I dont care. A phrase that I force myself to believe everytime. I dont love him. Something I tell myself everytime I remember his words like vivid colors around me. I dont care. Something I tell myself when I remember his laugh when I said something dorky.

Its nights like these where my thoughts attack me more than normal. I am vulnerable. I am not deserving of love. I deserve what happened. And most of all, I didnt deserve him.

Just when I think I'm getting over the fact that I lost him I am suddenly reminded of your smile. Those dimples in his cheeks, the freckles that spot his face, the fluff of his hair. And then I remember ㅡ I can't. It's like, I'm getting ready to leave this consuming part of my life. The only thing that seems to be weighing me down is him.

Our messages flood through my head; and my first warning should've been the fact that I said directly to him;

'I love you too, but what's wrong? You never say I love you unless I say it first.'

That shouldve been an eye opener, but it wasnt. Because, you see, he needed me the most. He was upset, he was hurting. He needed me more than ever. And I was there to provide that help. Because I loved him ㅡ and I still do.

I want him to love me. I want him to come back to me ㅡ hell I wouldnt even mind him just texting. Just something. Anything.

Sometimes I wish that I could wipe my memory clean from ever knowing him, because a part of me wishes that I never met him. And theres that part of me that longs for his sweet embrace. I wish that I could replace him, or get rid of him. To dust away someone who still holds me in their grasp. Little by little, hour by hour, my breath hitches and I'm falling. Falling for someone who will never seek my love again. His love was poison in my veins, it burned but the burning is what made me stay. It made me feel alive, it made me feel safe ㅡ but was it really?

Sometimes I wonder if he still thinks of me. If he still has those images of us on his phone. If he still dreams of his hands caressing my skin ever so gently. I wonder if he misses me in the way I do. Lance. The name makes me angry just saying it. He built me up just to break me down, that asshole. How could I say these things though? In the end, I was the one who allowed myself to get into this situation. I knew things wouldn't work out and frankly I wasn't ready to be in a relationship in the first place due to my mental state. 

But he was there, dazzling like all the stars in the night sky. He needed a shoulder to lean on, so here I was. I was there for him and I refused to have him go through these issues by himself. And that's when my feelings began to mix around inside of me and eventually pour out like a slushy machine. 

I hate him. I hate him for walking into my life and then leaving me in the dirt. I am sorry that I couldn't be everything you wished for. I hate that you vanished completely from me. However, I will never regret staying up with him to help him through whatever it was that was haunting him at night - even when he didn't do the same for me. I will never talk badly about him because at one point I was in love with the boy named Lance, however, I am grieving and my heart is aching. So please give me time to heal. Because inside; no one will ever met the level of love I had for him. And no one will ever hurt me as bad as him.

 

I hate Lance McClain.

**But do I really?**


End file.
